Hearts Full of Joy

silly reading

gracie is a funny girl. a really funny girl. not in a baby-ish sort of way, but in a quirky, surprising, wise little adult-ish sort of way. she has been from day one, and friends and strangers comment on it constantly.
i took these photos on our lawn in october.

one of our family's favorite books is a favorite becasue the heroine, trixie, reminds us so much of gracie.

and not just because of the hairstyle, nose, and teeth....

this is gracie's favorite activity, except it is underpants on her head, and the bra goes around her neck.
she's been doing this since she was 10 months old.

gracie is also expert at this.

not to be outdone, noah is also a funny boy (as previous posts attest) this is noah's favorite book. if we only mention the title, he giggles.

for those unfamiliar with this book, the reason for the giggles are these favorite pages:

election day

i voted for the president of the United states in the Untied States this morning. i spent the last three presidential elections in Japan, and voted by absentee. it felt good to go to the polls this morning with noah & gracie. i was voter 110 in nauvoo at 8:15 am.

last night for family home evening we discussed the 12th article of faith, participating in the political process, and making voting decisions prayerfully.

at our house, we are completely appalled by obama's support of late term abortion, partial birth abortion, and allowing babies born live from failed abortion attempts to be laid aside to die. we are appalled by abortion in general. and this quote from obama break our hearts:
'if one of my daughters makes a mistake, i don't want her to be punished by a baby."
as an adoptive family, and children of god, we can't consider any baby to ever be a punishment.

we aren't one issue voters, there are many other issues on which we disagree with obama. but enough said.

my teenagers have been particularly upset by the abortion issue.
lexi made her feelings known at school yesterday by wearing this:
and this:

asumi

i am filled with happiness for my japanese friend naomi who welcomed this angel baby on october 14th.

naomi had her first two babies in her early 30s and was told by doctors that she would be risking her life by having any more. at 41, when her first two children were 8 & 10, she had baby kouki, born on christmas day. she was terrified that something would go wrong at his birth, but it didn't. and at 43, she just had baby asumi, whose name means 'love is pure".

she sent this photo of asumi to me to show the quilt she had made, using vintage fabrics that lexi, tashi, & i had given her - lots of fun feedsacks included. she was my best sewing/quilting friend in japan, and an inspiration to me in many ways. knowing naomi, she probably pieced this quilt by hand, and definitely hand quilted it.

this news makes me happy for naomi & her family for so many reasons and in so many ways. it warms my heart and gives me hope. hope for the church in japan. hope for women who are courageous enough to have babies, even against the odds. hope for new beginnings.

grateful

things i am loving (and so grateful for) about my life:

living so close to a temple (and not just any temple)

my backyard - ahhhh

watching noah's face as he gets on the school bus, and gets off again when arriving home - happiness!

alone time with gracie while noah is at school - so fun to sit and play with her! she is a sweet & tender mommy to her baby dollies.

hanging out with the rodenbergs, and driving along the mississippi and through cornfields to get to their home.

early morning seminary - i wasn't looking forward to this, just the opposite. but, (so far) it seems to be helping my girls to be more centered, and i love that they are more motivated to settle down and go to bed on time, rather than staying up and playing on facebook, etc.

my family - in the last week three airplane crashes have injured and claimed the lives of people i know or know of - one crash in guatemala and  two in the western u.s. a new father who died had just blessed his newborn daughter. another couple died, leaving three teenagers without parents, and  yet another couple with four tiny children survived, but are severely burned. and another family i know, who has faced many struggles, has lost their father to cancer. many mre died & were burned in these three crashes, whose stories i don't know, but i'm sure are just as compelling. i am feeling blessed & grateful to have my family with me, and to be here with them - we never know when that may change.

this blog post by kelly reminds me of more reasons to be grateful for my children - infertility and the miracle of adoption and long awaited pregnancy. this was my reply to that post:

"you know i can't resist commenting on your infertility postings. i relate to all of it so intensely. and everything you said is beautifully true..."the best food ever tastes is after a fast. the best water ever feels going down your throat is when you are parched. and i know someday when i am holding a newborn in my arms the feelings of joy will be magnified for all the waiting and struggling. it will be just another blessing of infertility."
when we finally got mia, i was so grateful for my infertility, because it made the wonder & magic of that miracle so much more intensely perfect.
and about enjoying cate.... i remember well watching 5 year old natasha run on the play ground while we waited for lexi to get out of school one afternoon, during my infertility years, and being overcome with the wonder and miracle that she was in my life, and being grateful.
one more thought, which is just a thought.... brock was ready for adoption before i was. it is so true that "adoption has to be an intensely spiritually motivated thing, i think. to accept a baby as your own completely, well, you'd truly have to feel that they were "growing in your heart" and have a peaceful and compelling desire to find your child." so true. i have seen someone take a baby that they didn't feel that way about, and it didn't go well for them or the baby, and it broke my heart, because we would have been so happy to have that baby....
it took me longer to get to that point (and have a peaceful and compelling desire to find my child) than brock. i'm not trying to say that you will definitely get there, nor am i recommending that you eventually adopt. it's just a thought....it may be right for you someday, or it may not."

thank you kelly for reminding us of another reason that our families are to be cherished now and at every opportunity.

i could also make a list of the things i would change about my life right now, but those things are all overshadowed by my grateful list. and really, i should be most grateful for the things i would change, because they offer me the greatest opportunities for growth.

feeling fit

i am in a fitness groove. hopefully moving won't throw off this groove. i had my third ballet class today, and have two more this week - loving it! and i am also loving, in approximately this order:

 1. jogging with lexi & tashi - so much funner than doing it alone!

2. the new york city ballet workout. if you can't find a ballet class, this is the next best thing.

3.tamilee web: i want that body - two different 15 mintue workouts each for abs, buns, and arms

4. best of tamilee web - again, great workouts for abs, buns, and arms. this is a brand new one, and i'm enjoying it because i have done #3 so many times and needed something new.

5. island girl hula cardio dance workout - when you want the beach, but can't be there. tashi & i enjoy doing this one together.

i also have a belly dancing workout that i want to try, but haven't yet.

it feels so amazing to be getting into better shape. gracie is a year old, and i suddenly have a lot more energy a year after giving birth. my pregnancies are so rough on me, it takes a long time for me to bounce back. a year from now, i'll be feeling so much better than i am now. i did that for seven years after tashi was born. every year i would say, "i feel so much better than i did a year ago, i had forgotten that i had ever felt this good." honestly. today, as i was running kids all over, i had a flashback to how much energy it takes for me to do something like fastening my seatbelt when i am pregnant. i throw up the ENTIRE time, and with gracie i would break all the blood vessels in my face from voilent vomiting about once a week. i also threaten pre-term labor, so have bed rest, and i am so low energy i can barely move. but i'm not complaining, the results (yummy babies) are completely worth it. and i would love to be pregnant again. honestly. (so yes, adoption was a great option for me, since i LOVE babies and children, and i got two delicious bonus babies, pregnancy-free)

a memorable day

gracie's first birthday fell on memorial day. a perfect day to share with lots of cousins. my sister's family of eight joined us, and it was a treat.






















gracie was adorable. she looked exactly like one of her pink and white cupcakes with strawberries on top. and how i wanted to eat her up.
















her new doll house was enjoyed by many little fingers.









on her birthday, i re-visited the amazing and overwhelming feelings i had one year before when gracie was born. the next morning when gracie woke me up at 5:45, rather than feeling somewhat grumpy as usual, i remembered holding & feeding her in the hospital the morning after she was born....feeling so tired, and so happy. and i felt so tired and so happy again. and i was grateful, realizing that although a full year has passed, she is still small enough to hold and feed, and cuddle, and cherish, and i will continue to do every one of those things as much and as long as possible. i love being a mommy, and i love my babies.

another reason this memorial day was a happy one is that many families in our small town were blessed by the return of their loved ones after a year of deployment in iraq. i unexpectedly saw my sister-in-law & her sisters with cute baby anabelle on the news that evening, welcoming their dad & grandpa home.




i snapped a quick photo of this scene of flags flying at the war memorial in town as i was running to the quilt show on memorial afternoon.

baby

i LOVE babies, i always have. 14 years of infertility only served to heighten my appreciation of their charms.... the charms which are so fleeting. like spring daffodils, they bloom and are gone almost before you realize it. being a mother of teenagers has also increased my awareness of this pheonomenon. i wish that i could freeze them in time, or even go back in time to visit the stages that i didn't fully appreciate at the time, or would savor even more today.

i have believed that each one of my babies was special and amazing....and i have been right, because each and every baby is a unique miracle. i think i have appreciated that miracle more & more with each baby. and yet i have a feeling that i can't escape, a feeling that tells me i still haven't figured it out, that i haven't fully understood the incredible value of each precious little individual, each perfect spirit, sent down in faith and hope for a beautiful life, from above. i heard once that a mother of ten said, "after number four they are all the same". to me, my number five is every bit as amazing & surprisingly unique as my first four.

gracie will be 11 months tomorrow. she decided to walk last week on noah's birthday. she had an audience of grandparents, and it seemed as good a time as any to her. but not to me. i want to keep savoring each moment of her little baby-ness and stretch it out a little longer.....just a little longer....PLEASE!

gracie and i took these photos two weeks ago, before she walked. i felt i needed to capture her in her baby state before it flew away.

gracie's list of especially unique & precious qualities include:

hands that are like butterfly wings and have been since birth. they flutter and fly and touch you ever so softly.

she sings. she loves to sing, holding out notes and making the most of her voice. if i say "sing" to her, she does a "little mermaid" impression, and does it very well.

she is affectionate and cuddly, and says "i love you" - honestly, she does.

she is an artist, and grabs hold of any paper and writing instrument that she can find. i have discovered that a magna-doodle is a safe way to feed her artistic urges.

she loves to help, from cleaning up legos with mia & noah to helping me put the laundry in the dryer (because i have teenagers, and a 7 year old, i am not so naive as to think that this will last)

she has a serious nature, but a happy one, with unexpected sense of humor

(wearing noah's swim goggles)

(wearing mia's underwear on her head - this is a favorite of gracie's - she steals those underpants whenever she's able) - she may be a good match for captain underpants Glor!

i would gladly have more babies if i am able.

notes on gracie's quilt: i bought the yummy fabric (it's that great linen blend feedsack-like fabric that I have only found in japan) just before finding out for certain that she was a girl (which took forever in japan). here is the quilt in its infancy.

my baby

gracie, 10 months old, is at a most delicious, perfect little baby stage. she still has all of her soft & sweet baby charms. and now her personality is really making itself known. she has humor, she has spunk, she is clever, and she can talk, and talk, and talk. i am continually amazed by how much she understands, and can communicate. she has mastered each family member's name, and calls them out in the same tone that her older siblings use. she spends much of her day calling for noah - whenever he is out of her line of vision, she calls, "nwa!". when she wakes up she calls for mom (ocassionally pronounced "bom" - not mama or mommy), and if i don't appear soon enough, she'll move quickly down the line of family names, trying them all. kitty is her favorite word, and is used for kitties, doggies, and anything else small and furry. she feels it is very important to fold her arms when we pray.

....so incredibly precious, each day with her is full of blessings.

this morning in an unexpected moment of clarity, i was humbled by how much love my children are willing to share with me, and how often i block it with my busy-ness, or mixed-up priorities, or impatience. to have the love of such precious people, moment by moment, is a blessing more than anyone can deserve. i feel most undeserving.....and very, very grateful.

my "saving grace"

first off, i find it enjoyable, and recommend to all, to have a baby with a name that is also a word, and can be used in so many fun ways. my new niece, baby joy's, parents will discover this.

gracie truly is my "saving grace". her pregnancy came at a time that i had all but given up on it. and i didn't have the stamina for it. my health wasn't good - physically or emotionally, and i was really struggling to keep up with my four kids. really struggling. we had in international move planned, and baby was due right when we had planned it, and right after my parents were planning to be on an international service mission for 18 months - so this would be another time that i couldn't have my mom's help. i hadn't slept through the night for nearly 2 1/2 years because of noah's sleep troubles. and brock had just decided to strike out on his own and start his own business in japan - very brave because we may have lost the lease on our home, and our japanese visas, without an employer to back us up.

in spite of all this, i was grateful to be pregnant, after all, it was an answer to over 9 years of fervent prayer. and although i have severe sickness throughout pregnancy, and threaten pre-term labor, i found myself very blessed. i discovered that so many things that i thought were requirements for life, are actually very dispensable, as i rearranged my priorities and let many, many things go. i had spent 14 years regretting that i hadn't relaxed and enjoyed my previous pregnancies more instead of stressing myself out feeling guilty that i couldn't accomplish as much, or more,  as i did when i wasn't pregnant. i was determined not to make that mistake again. and in fact, i didn't have the energy to make that mistake again. so i slowed down to a snail's pace and savored each moment.

i thought that baby noah had taught me to let go of things (sleep, schedules, timeliness, anything valuable & breakable, etc) but i learned the lesson on a much deeper level during gracie's pregnancy.

i learned how much my husband and children can step up to the bat when they need to, and how the things they don't take care of take care of themselves or fade away into oblivion.

i learned how much more i enjoyed my children (and they enjoyed me) when i slowed down and spent the day on the couch where they could climb on my lap or sit and talk with me whenever they felt like it.

i learned how much joy could be found in life by sitting still and savoring the moment. i learned to be at peace with imperfection, messes, and not having things the way i wanted or planned. and most importantly, i learned to hand everything over to the lord and trust him completely. i am so grateful for that.

brock did have to postpone his business plans, but his business worked out just fine, probably better. our international move worked out better than we could have hoped. and the pregnancy worked out perfectly, with a healthy baby born right on schedule. and my mom was there, because their mission was unexpectedly postponed. gracie even made the international move easier because i focused on keeping her safe during the pregnancy, instead of rushing around japan doing every last minute thing i was afraid i would regret not having done. i didn't over-analyze the move or create unrealistic expectations. i didn't have a tough adjustment back to american life, because i took it slow and easy, and just enjoyed the miracle of my new baby.

as i made it through the first few weeks of the post partum period, i began to realize that some of my heath problems previous to the pregnancy were now gone, and i was 10 pounds lighter than before the pregnancy. and i found that after gracie arrived, my life was actually easier with 5 kids than it had been with 4. some of this is due to having a yard for noah, a simpler lifestyle, family  living in the same state, brock working at home, but ALL of it is because of blessings from the lord. blessings that i know i don't deserve. blessings that are too great to count. blessings that bring me joy.

this is the miracle of a new baby, a new life, a new member of our family.

glimpses

glimpses of my life, or what i see when i look.....

on lexi's bedroom floor (love these flirtations prints by sandy gervais that lexi treated herself to)

.....in my back yard on valentine's day - nearly 2 feet of snow

.....at my feet on the kitchen floor

....out my window as i eat breakfast in the morning

it all brings me joy