Hearts Full of Joy

easter togs

easter outfits for the little people are finished! i had so much fun making them, and didn't let myself feel pressured about it - a major victory for me. if i did it over again, i would make mia's tiers less full, and gracie's dress a little longer. but since i combined several different patterns, made size adjustments and design alterations, i was probably bound to feel that way. noah already had the sweater vest that matched the fabric perfectly.  somehow i managed to get 7 different fabrics into mia's dress - i am such a fabric nut. these fabrics are from the "shangri-la" line by three sisters for moda. i chose them to match the michael miller fabric that lexi & tashi chose for their dresses. i bought their fabric for them (they generally are in charge of making their own purchases with their own money) with the deal that they make their own dresses. tashi's is well underway. lexi's is cut out, but lexi is in japan for the next 10 days to visit friends on their spring break and attend the tokyo stake youth conference.

i haven't made easter dresses since the year mia was born. we only had lexi and tashi then, and on that perfect easter day seven years ago, although we didn't know it yet, mia was born. it was a very spiritual day for me, and i felt that something important was happening, even though we didn't find out about mia for three more days. three years later, noah was due on easter (but he made his arrival six days late). easter is extra special to me now that i've had my easter bunny babies. and it will be fun to celebrate easter in the u.s. it isn't celebrated in japan, even among christians. they never know when it is because it is based on the lunar calendar (the same problem we have here with chinese new year)

so long, no post

i think that five family parties over the holidays, all at least two hours away (four hours round trip) may have been too much for us. we loved it, really loved it, but it was probably too much. we have all been sick for two weeks, gracie starting it off with a nasty cold, and finishing it up (we can certainly hope) with stomach flu. she hasn't let us sleep much, poor miserable sweetie, and that slows our recovery. add to that: blue screen on our computer a week ago, and i haven't had much time to blog. i have spent any computer time i could snatch backing everything up, between many many blue screen episodes, and finally finished before the computer gives it's final gasp of breath. now we are waiting for our new mac to arrive. that will be a big switch and adjustment. we were mac people at the beginning of our marriage, and loved it, but made the switch to windows to get all the software options. now we are going back to mac. the day after christmas we got much faster internet, so once we have a new computer, things should fly.

i feel very out of touch with friends and family and anything outside of this house. but we were invited to a fun dinner last night with four other couples and their kids last night, and that was a breath of fresh air.

now that i've given you our recent low-lights, here are some highlights....

last minute christmas crafting: i made this for my sweet 6 year old who is struggling to come to terms and a peaceful understanding of her adoption. she and i have had several hour long talks in the wee hours of the mornings recently on this topic.

a stocking for gracie....so fun to make! the center block is a reproduction of an antique christmas card. "here's santa in disguise to give you a surprise" the appliqued patch on the top left says "gracie" and is from a judie rothermel  "aunt grace" fabric line. i have lots of that fabric in both pink and blue and plan to use a ltitle bit of it in most things i make for my gracie. the fabrics are moda's "roman holiday" line.

our christmas eve nativity

christmas morning...the stripey jammies are a seven year tradition for us. we all wear them for christmas.

we FINALLY finished the remodel of our 1940s home, and got a great renterupstairs! lexi models the kitchen on christmas eve. love those cabinets that great grandpa built!

not sure why this is sideways....try to fix it later.

and finally, tashi's photography in the snow:

(mia in the background)

 

the miracle of infertility

i am touched and inspired by this posting on kelly's blog. i love her style of expressing herself, sweet & powerful.

infertility is a topic very close to my heart, and i can't resist posting about it too. i am grateful for infertility, 14 years of it in our case, and here is why:

i wouldn't have these two miracles in my life without experiencing infertility, and i wouldn't have felt the sheer joy these miracles brought. nothing else in my life has compared to that feeling - having a most fervent prayer answered so miraculously.  in mia's birth announcement email, i said something about her being a "miracle". someone, i believe it was brock's aunt, replied that "every baby is a miracle". i was caught somewhat off-guard by that statement at the time, because i was so swept away by the mircale of our adoption in japan, but have thought about it frequently since. and i know that she was right. every baby is a miracle. and infertility is the reason that i feel the truth of that statement so deeply.

another miracle that was brought into my life by infertility is that when i unexpectedly found myself pregnant after 14 years, i felt so very differently about it than i had before. i treasured every minute, and didn't mind the 9 months of nausea, the fatigue, the violent vomiting, the intense heartburn, etc. i just felt grateful. and i didn't allow myself to feel pressured to do "everything" like i did during my first two pregnancies. i put my own and my baby's physical and emotional health first, and my family a close second, and did very little else, and i enjoyed it, instead of feeling guilty. being able to have that attitude was a miracle for me. being able to feel that pregnancy and caring for babies were a priveledge and not ever a burden was a miracle. it's not that i didn't enjoy my first two babies, and think that they were the two most amazing things that had ever happened. it's just that i had a new level of understanding after infertility.

the miracle is that i learned what erma bombeck expressed in "if i had my life to live over":

"Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every
moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only
chance in life to assist God in a miracle."(i personally would say the best chance, not the only)
"When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now
go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's',
More 'I'm sorry's.' "

(thank you melanie)

i've been tagged

i've been tagged by gloria and lexi, and so here goes.

10 years ago:

we had recently moved back after almost 2 years in japan, and were enjoying sharing the joys of autumn and its holidays with family. we had been gone for 6 years, 4 years in phoenix for grad school (starting when lexi was a newborn), and then japan. i was turning 27. lexi was turning 6, and tashi would soon be 5. we were hoping for another pregnancy (who knew that it would be antoher 9 years before that happened). little did we know then, but we would soon be returning to japan. brock (i'm leaving his age out to be kind, but if you must know, he is 5 years older than me) had his own business, and like now was working at home. life was simple and very good.

photos of our halloween party with brock's family, trick or treating with neighbors, dressing up our little princesses, and carving pumpkins with our black cat mimi - she adopted us just like our current black cats.

5 years ago:

i was turning 32. lexi was turning 11. tashi would soon be 10, mia was 18 months, and oh so cute! we were preparing for a life-changing move from sezokuike, ota-ku tokyo and our english ward and american friends to maihama, urayasu-shi, chiba-ken and a japanese ward. we had just asked the samejimas if we had any chance of adopting another baby through them, and were overjoyed to hear yes. we were moving to get a bigger house for another baby, and although we didn't know it then, to have lots of wonderful and lots of very challenging experiences. i took a fabulous four day trip with three wonderful friends to hong kong just before we moved. brock had to practically force me to go, and then i loved it and was so glad.

first layout: a the hong kong bird market with friends - noah plus our recent move have completely destroyed the beautiful bird cage i bought that day.

second layout: dimsum, our taxi driver, the antique furniture i bought, and an autumn festival. 

look at that precious mia! and lexi had so much fun with her 11th birthday.

mia the ladybug at our halloween party and photos with wonderful friends from our english ward at our sayonara party as we moved.

our empty house as we were moving in, lexi and tashi trick or treating, and enjoying the park on tokyo bay by our new home on a sunday afternoon.

1 year ago:

i was turning 36, and had just discovered that i was pregnant after 14 years of infertility. i was shocked, thrilled, tired, and nauseated. i was realizing that i would have to slow down the pace of my antique quilt business. i was also planning a trip to visit family with mia and noah, and to let them experience halloween and thanksgiving in the u.s. brock was on his way to the u.s. for business, and lexi and tashi had been in the u.s. during the summer. getting mia to school every day with all her required gear was one of my major adventures at the time.

mia's ninja dance at her sports day at yochien (japanese kindergarten)

vintage grandmother's flower garden quilt i was selling

noah at the 'traffic park'

  lexi, tashi, and friends at lexi's sleepover birthday party

1 day ago:

i posted twice on this blog, savored conference, enjoyed the snow, made cookies with mia and noah and didn't eat any myself (being good), made yummy banana blueberry bread with bananas that needed to be used, got cranky with my kids, got over it, picked out paint for the remodel of our house (the one on captol hill that my great grandfather built, and that we are anxious to get finished so that we can get renters in it again.... we are startiong a project of restoring it to it's 1940s beauty while updating a few necessary things), grocery shopped, finished two embroidery and an applique project during conference, helped natasha's friends abduct her, chatted with some of lexi's friends and watched some of their video creations (they make mini movies), cuddled lots and lots with gracie, and had good down time with brock (even though it was interrupted by abducting and chatty teenagers), readh my scriptures, and read a little in a library book i am enjoying.

silly kitties and pumpkins at our door yesterday.

noah

three years ago today was a sunday. and i was awakened on that sunday morning by a phone call (brock had left much earlier for branch presidency meeting), a life changing phone call. the person on the other end started out by saying "omedeto gozaimasu" (congratulations), and i knew what the call was about. it was our friend dr. samejima calling to say that he had a baby boy for us. a baby boy who was due on april 11th, which was easter sunday that year. that was very interesting, because mia had been born on easter sunday three years before. he was sure that the baby would come early, because the birth mother was under incredible stress. this was wonderful news, because my parents were going to be visiting us from april 2nd to the 16th, so they would be sure to meet him while they were here. what a happy day that was! it turned out that noah didn't come early, but rather, six days late, and was born while my parents were on their return flight to the u.s. we've since forgiven him for that....almost (smile). we brought him home on april 20th, and our lives haven't been the same since.

one of the things that i love most about noah are his eyes. i have yet to take a photo that captures the intensity and beauty and mystery of his eyes. i also love his nose, his cheeks, his lips, his hair, and, well,  everything about him. here are some photos i took of him on sunday.

the issue of a visa......

we were very blessed that noah's adoption was quite smooth and easy, finishing just in time for us to take him to visit family at christmas time and be sealed to us in the manti temple while we were there (we couldn't get him a passport until the adoption was complete). Since that happy time, we have been waiting for the two years to pass so that we could apply for a u.s. immigrant visa for him, and move back to the u.s. those two years were up at the end of last november. we applied, and were granted pre-approval in january. he needed a medical check up and a final interview, and the visa was complete. it was such a relief, and we were so grateful. but two weeks ago today, the day before we left for guam, brock received an email from the u.s. embassy in tokyo informing us that all visa processes have been canceled because of the new adam walsh act. someone in homeland security has interpreted this law to mean that embassies and consulates are no longer qualified to process visas. and, unbelievably, they have no information about how we are to proceed from here, just that we will have to re-apply eventually and it will take longer. but there have been no provisions made for how it will be done. we are doing our best to stay positive and hopeful about this and have the faith we need to move forward and find answers to our prayers that we will be able to get his visa soon, and proceed with our future plans. it leaves us feeling very vulnerable, as we can't move back to the u.s. without his visa, and what if something happens that necessitates that move? we have felt that way for the last three years, and for a year and a half period before that while we were waiting for mia's adoption and visa. it doesn't help that a friend of mine who adopted a japanese boy faced this very situation when her husband was transferred back to the u.s. before the visa was processed, and she was told by the USCIS in the u.s. that she should just give her son back, and return to the u.s. without him. can you imagine? in the mean time, we are processing japanese residency visas for lexi, tashi, and i to continue living in japan, and contacting senators and congressmen in utah to see if we can get some help.

so this is a joyful, and not so joyful posting....joy in the miracle of noah, and lack of joy in the processes of dealing with government agencies. but overall, we are grateful and blessed. here is the photo that we took for noah's visa application in january.

darling and precious boy

adoption......a miracle of an option

april 2005

brock and i both had impressions when we were just children that we would adopt children some day. we discovered that we had both felt this way when we were very newly married, and decided that it must mean that we would have fertility challenges, and adopt our children. we talked a lot about adoption and how we would do it, where we wanted to adopt from, etc.  and things turned out both differently, and the same as we predicted. lexi showed up 3 weeks after our second anniversary, and natasha arrived just 16 months and 6 days later, giving us 2 children in 3 years and 5 months. suddenly it seemed that we would be one of those couples that couldn't stop having babies. but, as mentioned in a previous post, at that point we realized that we needed to have a break from pregnancy while i regained my health. in fact, brock thought we should just adopt the rest of our children after experiencing my first two pregnancies, but i wanted to try at least one more pregnancy. so we waited for 4 1/2 years.....and then waited some more....and then waited some more....and went to doctor for help.....and waited some more.

at this point, we started thinking seriously about adoption again. we looked into japan, but were told by an agency that since we had two children, weren't japanese, and i was still in my 20's they couldn't see any reason to give us a baby. we looked into russia, and registered with an adoption agency to help us adopt there. but the new putin presidency had just gone in, and lots of changes were being made in adoption law in russia, which was making everything more difficult. so we switched to vietnam. we had a long debate between vietnam and china, but chose vietnam, because we already had two girls, and it was possible to get a boy from vietnam....not that we only wanted a boy, but it was nice to leave the option open. i could write so much about this time in our life, and i think that no matter how much i wrote, it would be insufficient to cover all the feelings, prayers, impressions, and deep emotions that we experienced. things didn't go well with our case worker as we were working on vietnam. maybe we were just too impatient, but after weeks of waiting daily for a promised fax that was never sent, i was emotionally frazzled. then brock saw an email being sent through our church leadership about a japanese doctor looking for a family to adopt a baby. we replied immediately, but the email was a week old, and the baby had been placed.

to make a very long story not quite so long, after many miracles involving convincing this wonderful doctor that giving a baby to an american family wouldn't be so strange, and being placed on his list ahead of many other waiting couples, we had mia in our arms a little more than four months later. i cannot express the pure joy and delight we experienced at this time....the almost perfect felicity....it was magical. it is a blessing to have to wait and yearn for something before you get it....because it is so much sweeter when it finally arrives. it was almost too good to be true. lexi was 9 and tashi was 8, and they were perfect big sisters.

again, there is so much i could write - the stresses and fears involved with closing the adoption, and even more, getting mia her U.S. immigrant visa. this could fill volumes. we planned to move back to the U.S. as soon as we had her visa, we had already spent almost 7 years in japan, much longer than expected. but in the month before she was granted a visa, we had a series of very interesting experiences that left us with the undeniable impression that there was another baby for us in japan. with much trepidation, we called our dear doctor back. how could we have the audacity to ask for another baby when we had the miracle of three beautiful daughters, and so many couples were still waiting for their first baby? but we summoned the gall to make the call, and told him that if there was ever a baby that no one else wanted because of disabilities, or any other reason, to please call us. he laughed at us, and put us back on his list, telling us that we would get a boy. i had expected mia to be a boy, because i had very strong impressions that i would have a japanese son. i was so surprised when we received a phone call about a three day old baby girl, and yet i knew at the time, it was right.

a year and a half after that phone call, we had noah. i often ask myself why i have been so blessed to be able to adopt, and not only to adopt, but to adopt AND to give birth. i wouldn't want to have missed out on either experience. so many people don't even experience on of these miracles, and much fewer experience both. i am immeasurably grateful.

september 2004

november 2004

february 2006

another thought......pregnancy after adoption. when mia was a baby, many friends and acquaintances told me that i would be getting pregnant soon. it seems that everyone knows someone who couldn't get pregnant, and so adopted, and then suddenly and unexpectedly found themselves pregnant. "it's because you relax about getting pregnant." everyone wisely told me. well, now i have suddenly and unexpectedly found myself pregnant, but i would like to share a few feelings about this phenomena..........

i have always felt, when hearing these types of pregnancy after adoption stories, even before i was old enough to get pregnant or adopt, that there is another reason that this happens (not just the relaxing about getting pregnant reason). i have always believed that it is because adoption was meant to be part of the life of the couple that couldn't conceive, that there was a child that could only come into their life through adoption. and if they were busily getting pregnant, they wouldn't be making room for that adopted child in their life. once that child, or in our case, children, have found their way into the family, then there is room for a pregnancy. of course, not everyone who adopts finds themselves pregnant after wards, but for those that do, this is my explanation.

life with mia

.....mia one year ago - feb 2006

how can i describe life with mia?.....fun, intense, never boring, unexpected, unpredictable, energetic, loud, exuberant, entertaining, silly, humorous, exhausting, and emotional are a few words that come to mind. She is frighteningly smart, has a memory like a steel trap (unless it is something that you want her to remember), loves to perform, loves to make people laugh, loves to be the center of attention, strong willed, stubborn as all-get-out, sweet, soft, beautiful, and a miracle.

and I wonder how life must be for her living in japan with a caucasian family, going to japanese kindergarten with other japanese children, but those children speak japanese as their primary language, having two teenage sisters that are blonde, and who get to do everything she wishes that she could do but isn't "big" enough to do yet, and a baby sister on the way who will probably be blonde also, having the mom who never understands what is going on at school, and then there is noah.......noah is overwhelming for those of us who are 3x his height, but what of mia who is only a few centimeters taller than him? good thing she has so much of her own vivacity and strength. he came into her perfect little world where everyone was wrapped around her finger and she was always the center of attention, and turned everything upside down. mia is still on the path to recovery from that trauma.

today we all went to mia's "happyokai" (school program), which was on a saturday so that dads could attend. mia has been worried for nearly a month that we wouldn't figure out when the happyokai was, and so wouldn't show up. fortunately that didn't happen. what did predictably happen, is that we caused quite a scene by being ourselves - caucasian family with two teenagers, two japanese children, and a pregnancy.....nothing this strange has ever happened to her school before. the program was darling of course, as only japan can be. she and her classmates performed some musical numbers, accompanying their teacher who was playing the piano with tambourines, bells, castanets, etc. then they sang some songs, and finished up with an adorable play based on the book "doozo no isu" (the please chair). the children assisted in making the scenery and props and made their own costumes. they have been working on it for the last month. mia was a donkey, a very cute donkey (but a donkey?). i asked her who decided which animal each child would be, and she said that they each got to choose for themselves. i noticed that the most popular girls in class were also donkeys. can't imagine that happening in the u.s. it was very fun, and could have been funner if noah had been more cooperative, but he is getting easier by the week, so no complaints.

performing in the play

singing at the end of the play

mia is in the center back, enjoying herself. she was in her element at the happyokai....performing for an audience, what could be better?