Hearts Full of Joy

dear cancer

Dear Cancer,

We have met 3 times before, and have lost 2 beloved family members to you.

But we do not fear you.

You cannot take anything that God doesn't want taken.

You can create positive change that God does want in our lives, if we allow it.

We are better because of our unwanted experiences with you.

We pray that this outcome will be like the one we have had with you, and not the other two.

We put all in God's hands and trust Him far above any power you have over us.

Sincerely,

Our Family

 

...my facebook status from August 23rd.

a kitty tale: a tribute to adoption & motherhood

our kittens are over 3 weeks old now, and so, so fun. they want to explore and play with us and wrestle each other. we have always felt that gigi, their mommy, is the best little kitty cat in the entire world (she found lexi & i as a tiny ktten when we went for a walk last summer, and wanted to come home with us), and she has proved to be a wonderful mother ~ staying in her box and nursing her babies even when she was weak from hunger. we would bring food & water to her, and she would gobble it desperately, but she wouldn't leave her babies.

(first time out on the lawn)

on monday, the day after their 3 week birthday, a cute little neighbor boy brought us a tiny gray kitty he had found in their barn. they heard it crying on sunday, but couldn't find it. he finally searched until he found it in the rafters after school on monday. it was so tiny, about 1/4 to 1/3 the size of our kittens.

this little kitten confused us because he was so small, about the size of our kittens at birth, but he had his eyes open. our kitties didn't get their eyes completely open for over 2 weeks. then we noticed that he still had his cord. our kitties lost theirs within a week. lexi googled and discovered that kittens can open their eyes as early as 3 days, so we think he is less than a week old. this tiny guy is so sweet and affectionate. he purrs and cuddles, which our other kitteis wouldn't do for us, they just wanted their mommy at this age. we put him with our kittens hoping that gigi would feed him. she was unsure, but did allow him to stay. but he was so weak, and the other kittens so big and pushy, that he didn't have a chance at nursing....

so we force fed him some milk through a syringe, worried that he would get it into his airways, and decided it would take a miracle for him to make it through the night.

little mia is our animal lover and she put him in a doll sling and carried him around that evening. she lovingly and patiently cared for him and kept trying to feed him.

finally we put him with the other kitties for the night, hoping for the best. when we went to bed, we found two signs on our bedroom door:

"please check on buster (that's what she named him) every 30 minutes"

and

"did buster die?

yes/no

at what time

     :         "

we wrote that he was alive at midnight and went to bed.

in the morning he was alive and willing to be fed more milk from a syringe.

and now for the really interesting part of the story (at least we think so)....

mia took buster to gigi before she left for school, and had a long talk with her, telling her how important it was for her to feed him. gigi listened and then picked him up by the scruff of his neck...it took her a long time to accomplish it, because there isn't much scruff. it looked like she was eating him....and carried him to an empty cardboard box in the garage and let him nurse. then she carried him back to the box with the other kittens. she has repeated this over and over and will take him to his own box whenever we ask her to. now, wednesday afternoon, he can hold his own and feed with the other kittens.

i don't believe in coincidences, but do believe that most (if not all) things happen for a reason. i wondered if this little kitty may have been sent to us for a reason. i asked mia what she and buster (pronounced "bustard" by gracie, which inspires endless amusement) have in common. she noted that they were both small. i contributed that they both had birth mothers that couldn't take care of them for some reason. then i asked if we, or gigi, love him any less because he is a different color, or different size, or was born to a different mother. i saw the light go on in her eyes that i had hoped for. and that brings me joy. she struggles with these issues. i'm grateful for an orphaned kitten and a devoted kitty mother and what they can teach my precious little girl.

 

greater joy

i found this article in meridian magazine yesterday, entitled "thou child of joy", and while i don't claim to completely understand all of the concepts it puts forth, i find it fascinating, and would like to understand it better.....inspiring food for thought.

strange but true....and i'm grateful

a random list of strangely true recent happenings.
i can see the had of the Lord in at least the first two, if not all:

thursday night we were startled by a large sonic-type boom that seemed to come from down low, rather than up high. it resonated through the earth and our home. while the details are still sketchy, this is what we have since learned..... a man was building pipe bombs in his home, less than a mile from us, and quite near the temple. one accidentally went off, removing his hand..... how it could make a boom that big, and only take off his hand? we don't know...... why was he building pipe bombs? we don't know that either, but have heard that he is known for his anti-mormon "antics". people in sycamore haven, up the river to the north, said their windows rattled from the explosion. the police reportedly sent robots into the bomber's home to disarm at least 3 more pipe bombs.....we are grateful that it ended as it did.

two weeks ago or so, i was driving along the river road, giving a friend whose car was getting repaired a ride home. she noticed a young boy walking along the road and commented that he was awfully young to be walking alone. it was late afternoon, approaching dusk, and very cold. i didn't think much of it, and passed him by, but then felt that i should pull over and wait for him to approach. i knew that he shouldn't talk to strangers, (or get into a stranger's car!), but felt compelled to ask him a few questions.
me: hi! do you need a ride?
boy: well, yah.
me: where are you going? do you live nearby?
boy: i'm going to keokuk (15 miles away)
me: why are you going to keokuk?
boy: to find my mom
me: where do you live?
boy: nauvoo, but i'm not going back there, i'm mad at my dad.
me: how old are you?
boy: 9
he was an adorable and very sweet little boy. and i wanted to help him, but was unsure how to proceed. so i started offering silent prayers for guidance. and i was able to take him to my home, after taking my friend home, even though he refused to go back to nauvoo, and then track down his grandparents who were most grateful. he goes to school with my little ones, and i know his cousin who is in mia's class. in asking him more questions, it became clear that his father hadn't really done anything wrong, this little guy just felt a sense of injustice in the way his father had handled something, and set out looking for his mom who has been absent for years. i later learned that his mother is only allowed to see him under supervision. i felt how much the Lord loves him to guide us to bring him safely home. if my friend wouldn't have been in the car with me, i don't think i would have noticed him or stopped for him. if she had been driving alone, she wouldn't have known how to find his grandparents. as it was, we each had something to offer in his "rescue". the river road is narrow, winding and very dangerous. it would have soon been dark and very cold. and no one yet realized that he was missing. what if my friend hadn't noticed him or said anything? what if i hadn't stopped? i am so grateful that it ended as it did.

we experienced countless earthquakes during our years in japan, some big enough and long enough to cause quite a bit of anxiety. but now we are experiencing something new: thunder that feels like an earthquake. and it is quite unnerving. we have had thunder that rattles the dishese in the cupboards and makes the whole house shake. wednesday morning brock & i both sat up straight in bed at about 5:40. i thought it sounded like half of our home was being sheared away. brock thought it sounded like we were being hit by hurricane force winds. we were both wrong. it was thunder. and such a storm ensued. each thunder (not clap, not roll...) boom & shake felt like it would last forever. lightning would strike, and the thunder would be immediate and go on and on and on. i have truly never known anything like it. maybe i will get used to it as i did to earthquakes.....we'll see. but the old timers here seemed to be as shocked as we were by the storm. i am so grateful that we were all safe and dry and warm.

relief society

yesterday was the first sunday, and my turn to give the relief society lesson of our presidency's choice. i felt strongly that it should given on sister beck's talk at the general relief society meeting on sept 27: so powerful, so important, not popular (she dares to say what many are reluctant to hear), but a landmark talk. i love it.

 "We rejoice in the knowledge that you are going about doing good, as the Savior did. You are doing a magnificent work. Yet we feel impressed to say that there is more to be done. We have sought inspiration from the Lord to know how to assist the priesthood in building up the kingdom of God on the earth. It is time for Relief Society to fulfill its purpose as never before. To move forward and achieve what the Lord desires, we must clearly understand the purpose of Relief Society." 
Julie B Beck, 2008

“there is a power in this organization that has not yet been fully exercised to strengthen the homes of Zion and build the Kingdom of God—nor will it until both the sisters and the priesthood catch the vision of Relief Society"Spencer W Kimball, 1976

"We can do the work of the Lord in His way when we seek, receive, and act on personal revelation. Without personal revelation, we cannot succeed. If we heed personal revelation, we cannot fail. The prophet Nephi instructs us that the Holy Ghost will show us “all things what [we] should do.” It was prophesied that in the latter days the Lord would pour out His Spirit upon His handmaids. This will happen as we allow ourselves to be still enough and quiet enough to listen to the voice of the Spirit. Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught us that receiving revelation for our calling and in our personal lives “requires serious mental effort on our part. . . . Revelation is not a matter of pushing buttons, but of pushing ourselves, often aided by fasting, scripture study, and personal pondering.“Most of all, revelation requires us to have a sufficient degree of personal righteousness, so that on occasion revelation may come to the righteous, unsolicited.”
Julie B beck, 2008

why?

departing from the general theme of my blog, i am going to share some information i have recently come across that i thought worthy of repeating.

item #1: mountain dew
we found a new orthodontist for natasha and at our first visit, he informed us that if we became his patients, he would not allow us to drink mountain dew. well, we don't. we don't drink caffeinated drinks and rarely drink carbonated drinks. but he proceeded to give us an astounding list of reasons to avoid mountain dew.
1. cavities - he and his associates have seen as many as 30 to 50 cavities in one check up from avid mountain dew fans.
2. kidneys - he gave me case after documented case, from physicians in the area, including the physician of the year for last year, who have seen young people, teenagers who drink mountain dew, go into renal failure  and require dialysis and kidney donors. apparently, it is caused by the yellow dye. why haven't we heard of this? why is it still on the market? according to our ortho, they are paying these people off in huge out-of-court settlements.
3. reproductive organs - a family with three teenagers in his practice are under treatment because their reproductive organs were being attacked, purportedly caused by mountain dew, and infertility in women has been reported after regularly drinking mountain dew.
i haven't researched this out completely myself, but i invite you to do so, especially if you drink mountain dew.
4. breast lumps - caused by the excessive caffeine. lexi is reading over my shoulder and saying "grossss!!!!"
5. hyperactivity - but i think we all knew this one, didn't we?

item #2: a bill introduced in 2005
i just learned, well brock learned and shared with me, as is so often the case, that in 2005 john mccain introduced a bill that would have regulated fannie mae & freddie mac, and prevented the problems that they have now caused our economy. his bill was voted down by many, including john kerry, hillary clinton, and barak obama who were receiving campaign donations from the parties that would have been negatively affected by the regualtions. i am not john mccain's biggest supporter, nor am i trying to drum up votes. but i ask, again & again i ask, why are these critical news items never addressed by the mainstream media? why? i'm sure there is a good reason, and i don't like thinking about what that reason may be. i am starting to wonder if the reason that i am not john mccain's biggest supporter is that i don't have all the info.

ok. to balance out the heaviness of this post, here is some light-hearted campaign fun. lexi, tashi, and i had already noticed the similarities between tina fey & sarah palin. and we got a good laugh when we found this clip from snl where tina fey spoofed sarah palin, and amy poelher also did a good hillary clinton impression. be warned, as is the case with snl, there are a few inappropriate lines. i laughed over them so my girls (and I) couldn't hear them. 

ode to the simple life

i have been blessed with multiple opportunities to learn the serenity of a simple life. but have i learned it?

moving to japan with two wee children and only what we could fit into our suitcases for our flight (which wasn't much at all) was one opportunity. and i loved that phase in our life. eleven years later i still miss the clarity and freedom of that stage. no car. no car insurance. no car repairs. very little of anything. and so everything we had was extra special. everything we did was more enjoyable. my mind was free of clutter. i could see more clearly what i needed to do as a mother. and i was a better mother. there was stress and difficulty too, but honestly it came mostly from living among others who didn't have simple lives, and the expectations that that fact placed on me. we went to japan wanting to live a japanese life.while there we went to church with wonderfully amazing people who were living a different life - the american expatriate life, which as a friend expressed it recently, is like being a rock star - chauffers, maids, nannies, spending allowances, first class airline tickets, etc, etc.  i am not slamming that life style. not at all. it was just such a stark contrast to ours. i am grateful for that. it forced me to face and ponder hings i wouldn't have have otherwise. i learned a lot about myself during that time. i am very different because of it. and i like to think that i have learned to keep my life simple. but i don't do it.

when we first moved to this house eight weeks ago today, it was empty, and for four glorious days, we had only what we brought in our suitcases and cars with us. i loved it. each child's toy was special. we were sleeping on futons again. what was most important in life was clear to me, and that was my family. now, each box i unpack begins to clutter my life again, and each thing i own takes away from the meaning and value of everything else in my life.

and i feel this way even though we gave away more than half of all we owned when we left japan just over a year ago. almost all of our furniture, our food storage, our household items. (we accumulated a lot in the 12 years we lived in japan). now we are in accumulation mode again, and i want it to stop. but where do it draw the line? it's oh, so very complicated. i want life to be comfortable for my family. our first two years in japan, our only comfortable piece of furniture was a glider rocker that we had to take turns with (no sofa, no beds, only futons on the floor). but i want life to be meaningful for my family, and the more we have, the less meaning can be found.

i have a weakness for clothing and textiles of every kind. (my degree is clothing and textiles, and i guess that explains a lot about me). i collect antique quilts, i make quilts, i collect darling children's clothes, and i make children's clothes. and they accumulate. what should/can i do about this? yesterday i sorted through winter & summer clothes (such cool weather lately), too small and too big clothes. mia & gracie each have so many clothes that it feels like going shopping each time you pick out an outfit for them. they need a hannah montana closet. (i'm not endorsing hannah montana here. any reference i make to hannah montana is in a purely negative context). not because i buy a lot (i hope), but because i treasure and hold onto a lot. they have hand-me-downs that lexi & tashi were wearing between 8 and 15 years ago (the really darling ones that hold precious memories). gracie has hand-me-downs from mia.  they have hand-me-downs from cousins. i do love hand-me-downs. and they have some great bargain finds that i couldn't resist buying for the. and there is just so much. but it's hard for me to let go of it. i want to keep it all, just in case we or someone else we know and love needs it someday. or another child joins our family. (noah doesn't have quite as much abundance, being the only boy. but i have boxes of his adorable outgrown clothes that i would love to see another boy wear someday) i love making a cute new outfit out of treasured pieces of clothing from the past mixed with some new found treasure. i love thrift, and so i want to keep things just in case we need them. but i love simplicity and lack of too much stuff. are these two loves compatible? i feel these two concepts (storing for future use, and simplification) tugging me in different, conflicting directions. i am on a quest to reconcile them to each other. but is this possible?

as i typed the word abundance above, it reminded me about how i feel about abundance. it is a popular word these days, especially in new age circles. and i think it is highly over-rated. having abundance can lead to being overwhelmed, over-committed, selfish, and material. i feel i speak from experience. the only things i want in abundance are the intangibles like love, peace, hope, and happiness. is it possible to have an abundance of simplicity? if so, i think that would be a good thing.

blessings

a replacement camera lens is reportedly on its way to me now, after many many emails and phone calls on my part, because 6 weeks and 1 day later, they still don't have the part to fix my old lens. really? i have been so impressed with nikon up until now. but let me focus on the positive....and that is that i will soon be taking photos again. lexi's camera completely died last week, and natasha's (a hand-me-down from me) went on the blink (literally, all it would do is blink, couldn't be turned off or on) on sunday as she tried to photograph a herd or 6 or more deer grazing on the perimeter of our yard. so we have been completely camera-less. and i do love cameras and the pictures they create.

i have a little window of time in my life that i haven't had for over 4 years - some time to myself 5 days a week. and i am gratefully enjoying this small gift of sanity time while gracie naps and noah is at school. it turns out that this time would be necessary in my life, as just days before i began to enjoy it, i received a new church calling....

bishop: we would like to call you to be the new relief society president.

me: are you serious? laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, and laugh some more. really? laughing, laughing, laughing.....

bishop: straight faced, completely unaffected by the laughter, goes right ahead with more information about the calling.

you need to understand that i had been to relief society exactly one and a half times when i received this calling. and both of those times i had been sitting on the floor in the back of the room, trying to keep gracie quiet so others wouldn't be disturbed and i could hear some of the lesson. i didn't even know who the current relief society president was. and i knew the names and faces of approximately 4 sisters in the ward. almost everyone i had met at church up until that moment had been visiting, participating in the pageant.

the majority of the sisters in the ward are about twice my age. and EVERYONE has lived here longer than i. i have done this once before, in a newly created, tiny japanese branch. this is both easier and harder. i have had some moments of pure panic mingled with anxiety and stress. but now i feel a peacefulness settling over me, an ability to use my time more wisely, more clarity of thought, a little more energy to make it through the day, more patience with my children, more courage and strength, and i know these blessings come with the calling. i have felt them before.

not knowing anyone in the ward is an obstacle. but i learned from the obstacle of my language barrier in japan that obstacles bring blessings, because they force one to rely on the lord, instead oneself. and that is my greatest desire, to rely on the lord, and do things his way. if i can only do that, all will be as it should, i my life, and in relief society. and not knowing anyone is also a blessing, because i don't have pre-conceived prejudices. sunday was my first time to function in my calling, and brock was/is in japan. but gloria was here, and that was a comfort.

it is thought provoking that we are where relief society all began. on labor day we found ourselves as a family at the red brick store, where relief society was founded, and later at sarah granger kimball's home. sarah began the movement that became relief society. we hadn't planned these destinations with my new calling in mind, but we must have been led, and it was poignant for me. i hear the words of jospeh smith, "the Lord has something much better in mind for you." and i feel that he still does...something much better than we understand or have yet stretched ourselves to become.

the weather is so beautiful, and so cool. we awoke to frost this morning. i do think that the farmer's almanac is correct. we are in for a cold winter.

i like her

i didn't expect this, but after tonight's speech, i find that i really do like sarah palin. i find it difficult not to respect her. not because she is a woman. and not because she is a woman who has succeeded in a man's world, in politics. not because of her gender, but because of the person she is. i am impressed with her record as governor. and with her confidence and inner strength.

i admit that i do have concerns with the strain her campaign and possible election will place on her children. because, in spite of the cry that it is unfair to question whether a woman running in an election can spend enough time with her family when men are never questioned in the same way, i still believe that motherhood is different. it is special & unique. a  mother can offer something to her children that no one else, even the most devoted father can. motherhood is sacred, and it's a woman's highest calling. so i am feeling some concern.

but i cannot judge what is best for sarah palin and her family. that is for them to decide.

and i really do like her. i do.

reunions

this is an interesting few weeks for me. as we are packing up and saying goodbyes, we are also reuniting and saying hellos to friends we haven't seen for years & years. we had two reunions over the weekend. our moving truck pulls away one week from today. and we have two more reunions before we leave twelve days from now. i'm so grateful that we get to see people before we leave. not only is it wonderful fun, but it keeps our life from being completely consumed by boxes.

on friday & saturday we had a fabulous time getting together with my siblings, their spouses, and their kids. all but 1 of the 33 of us were there - 21 cousins. there's nothing like being with family and seeing the cousins play. living next to cousins, even briefly, has been such a treat!noahhaley-boo
on monday we  got together with friends from our english ward in tokyo. our friendships there have been some of the most amazing of our lives. when we made the decision to move to japan 13 years ago.... in fact, we were in tokyo for brock to interview for that job 13 years ago this week, as he was graudating from grad school.... we expected to have amazing cultural experiences and make lots of japanese friends. what we didn't expect was the incredible bond we would form with the member of our english speaking ward. we didn't even plan to go to an english speaking ward, but after a few weeks of complete japanese submersion, i realized that i needed to be able to speak english, at least on sunday. after 7 1/2 years in our english ward (probably the happiest time in our life so far - lexi & tashi think so too), we did make the move to a japanese ward, which became a branch, and then became a ward again. that was an amazing experience too, in different ways.
i guess something about being in a foreign culture with a foreign language and having no family in the same hemisphere helps people to to appreciate each other. we needed each other, and we would do anything to help each other. i learned from example how to really serve and really love, how to really share the gospel, and really fellowship, and how to really be a friend in this ward - from the examples of these friends. and i learned how to overcome cultural and language barriers. at one point we had people from 13 different countries, who spoke 10 different native languages in this ward. members traveled (by car, bus, or train) up to an hour and a half to get to church, and up to two hours to do visiting and home teaching. people sacrificed for each other and for their testimonies.

but it was more that just the need for each other. the people in this ward were exceptional, some of the best people i have had the privilege of meeting. truly. and i love them.

to me the most amazing thing is that we can get together with these friends, no matter how much time has passed - 1, 6, or even 9 years, and pick up again where we left off like no time has passed, nothing has changed - except our kids getting older. some of us are still in japan, some have been in thailand, england, taiwan, turkey, canada, and many are back in the u.s. it doesn't matter where are are or what we have been doing, we still connect and understand each other. we have known most of these teenagers since they were in nursery & sunbeams with lex & tash. it was so fun to see them back together again.

even if our life in japan hadn't been an amazing experience, and we hadn't gotten our mia & noah.... even if i hadn't loved japanese people & culture (most of it anyway), i would still be grateful for japan just for these friendships that we have made.
these girls were my lifeline. and the memories are so fun.....crazy karaoke, train trips, scrapboking while our kids played, costco shopping (american food at close to american prices = heaven), trips to hong kong, etc. if only more of the girls could have been there with us. five of my blog links (to the right) are bloggers from this ward: gloria, jeni, mary, mcintyres, & val. only val is in the picture above.


seeing the hansens & their two oldest (plus nick, who jumped in the photo - dang you nick! :) ) was a highlight! we haven't seen them since we visited them in nagoya nine years ago this week, and celebrated the 4th of july & parker's 7th birthday with them. they have stayed at our home (two different homes in Japan) twice since then, but both times we were in the u.s. and didn't get to see them. the second time they stayed in our home they were on their way to live in thailand. their kids were lexi & tashi's first friends in japan. tashi wanted to marry parker. i told her it was ok with me.

another highlight was when friends who were in this stake, but not this ward, stopped by because they saw the "tokyo reunion" sign posted. they adopted a japanese son that is lexi's age. i had long talks with them about how they adopted in japan, and it was such a "fluke" (blessing) that they had gotten that baby, that i feared it could never happen for us. the agency they worked with wouldn't even work with us because we were "too young" (still in my 20's) and already had two kids. but it did work out. it was wonderful to see them!